Thursday, August 30, 2007

what if i never woke up from the surgery table?

it's a scary thought. to leave behind everything you have in your life while you are sleeping for eternity.

the question is, can i bear to let go of everything?

can i?
deon.

it's been a week since you have left me.
i'm getting use to the feeling of being alone.

oh wells. it's been a REALLY REALLY REALLY hectic week. i was overwhelmed. period.

or rather, its because that i am flying off to macau in exactly 3 hours time, and in view of this, i had to complete all my work before i could leave this place in peace.

plus my brain is dead from the EXTREME lack of sleep.

and my emotions are pounding me from all directions, with the fear of the up-coming surgery, the dreadfulness of maths portfolio and exams, the loneliness, the frustration and all else that you feel when you know that your life is crumbling.

i need to prevent myself from slipping into depression. and i found it amusing that lucy was telling me to chill while fanning me in the face with her hand. haha. thanks for the help, but i get really jittery when stress levels jump to extremes.

but, i am really grateful to the people that i trust and have around me in school. you know who you all are! :)

the only thing keeping me sane is that i am relieved that i settled everything i needed to before i fly off. and i am starting to use a NEW notebook to jot down my daily things-to-do list. surprise.

seriously, the macau trip is suppose to help me chill. and i hope i will get the chance to do so, and not still be so uptight. RETAIL THERAPY! heh. i have another assignment at hand, which is to draft out my who-i-shall-buy-stuff-for list. and for those i have promised.

surgery in 5 days. counting down.

give me a reason to believe in you,
deon.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

my heart is torn.

you tore it apart.

Friday, August 17, 2007

hello everyone.

sorry for the lag in updates. DUE to some sensitivity issues.

BUT, i'm back! anyways, i realised that you can search for my blog on google.com, try 'deon lee + blogspot', and you will find my blog link on the 4th option! THRILLING isnt it. not.

anyways, that was dedicated for people who have been trying desperately to track down my blog link.

the past few days can be summarised into: harry potter, eating, IOP and the new transfer student fron RUSSIA - natasha khan.

YES! IOP is over and i think i sort of nailed it, just hope i did better than my mock (24/30). bjc was rather impressed, so i hope a 26/30 isnt far from reach! no worries gen, you did well!

and i have finally ended my adventure with harry potter after the 7th book. and NO, i am not going to cry like the whiny girl who sobbed hysterically after she bought the 7th book at borders the day it was released. it was her miserable attempt to get her 5 seconds of fame on national news, with people watching her CRY.

i must say, in my anxiousness to finish book 6 and 7 in one go, i was glancing through the books, more than actually reading it. so everything seems blur, but the whole picture is still there. and there were even cooler spells this time round. and the fun parts were snatching book 7 from ben seah to read. haha. :)

i've been eating like a dinosaur. especially on charity cafe day. no doughnuts though.

and have you met the new transfer student in our school from RUSSIA? she's called natasha tresslyn lucy khan zeng. i know its a long and mouthful name, but she has a model built, like VERY VERY tall. and thats about it. nothing about waistline shall be mentioned. but she's a very lovely girl. :)

principal forum today, saw many familiar faces! custodian day was awesome - cleaned 5 toilets in one go, and cleaned most of the sec 4 classrooms. nick eng was pretty fun to work with, especially with cleaning toilets! and ben chia is an anti-custodian person. tsk. HAHA :)

and LUCY said weird stuffs to me today. HMMM.

plaster me to you?

i'll bandage you to me,
deon.

Monday, August 13, 2007

THE MORE YOU TRY TO BRING ME DOWN,

THE MORE I WILL RESIST,
THE MORE I WILL FIGHT BACK,
THE MORE I WILL STAND ON MY OWN.

BUT I HAVE FRIENDS WHO WILL STAND BY ME. AND I KNOW THAT.

SO BRING IT ON,
deon.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

today,

2 important people in my life left me.

one will be coming back in a year's time.

the other probably never.

who knew parting would be so difficult? perhaps i had taken for granted each others presence, thinking that we'll always be there for each other.

have i not earned the right to miss you after almost 6 months?

i will miss the times we shared our dreams, our hopes, our feelings, our thoughts, our opinions, our everything.

but at the same time, i wish to bottle up all my emotions and feelings, freeze all its contents and bury the bottle in the deepest region of my heart, where i will never want to look at it again and that it never be dug up.

i'll learn to stop crying, learn to be strong, and learn to forget about you.

i promised i wont cry on the phone, but i did, silently. letting my tears roll down without you knowing, masquarding an out-burst of emotions and tears as a cough. i didnt want to put down the phone, i wanted the conversation to go on and on for as long as possible. i kept stalling for time and things to say, because i know it is the last time we'll ever talk on the phone again.

30th june. the last day i met you. if i knew it was the last time i was ever going to see you again, i would have hugged you so close, kissed you so badly, teased you so gently, hold your hands so warmly, and most importantly, cry silently behind your back knowing it would be the last time that i can do all these.

now i wake up every morning, with no motivation. no one to look forward to share the day with.

you were great.

but i'll move on.

how long will it take? 1 month, 2 months, 1 year? i dont know. but i will keep going forward. i will channel my energy to another outlet, where you will be forgotten.

"it only takes a few seconds to inflict a wound upon someone, but it will take many years for the wound to heal"

time will heal the wounds, i know it will. and God i pray that you will take this pain away, take it far far away.

so to all my friends, i sincerely apologise if i may appear moody or zonked out in school, i would really appreciate your understanding and patience.

one thing for sure, i wont be as cheerful or hyper as before. because hurt is manifesting itself in me.

dont ask, dont tell.

i love you,
deon.

Friday, August 10, 2007

hello everyone.

the activities that happened over the past 2 days can be summarised as: RETAIL THERAPY!

ying han and hongwei had a stayover at my place for 2 nights and 2 days, and we spent 2 whole days, shopping, eating, shopping, eating, shopping, eating, shopping, eating, OK, basically you get the point.

and i am the clear WINNER of all the shopping sprees we had! i bought 11 shirts within 2 days. haha. :) i swear we had so much fun and i have lots of insider jokes. i'm very glad that they came over and spent time with their old friend. the next stay-over i will make sure SAM and DAXIAN will turn up.

thank god for the long break, i think everyone deserves a good break. and i spent 2 days out of the 5 day-break SHOPPING. woots. gotta start on my work already.

anyways, one-acs was quite alright. was sweating like mad, but i enjoyed being in the council uniform. it was as bad as i imagined. got shouted by liu yi AGAIN for being late. wtf. i really hate being late, but the sad thing is that a lot of factors contributing to my late-ness is not within my control, like the causeway traffic jam. fuck.

had to impose on sean after the national day celebrations, went to his place for a swim, lunch and SIMS 2! anyways, sean hates the pool, dont ask me why. haha :)

speaking of SIMS 2, i found some super cool cheats, and i intend to start playing it again. heh. and apparently, sean and i created a virtual sims character known as F.M.G.D, who is the direct opposite from the real life version of her. we had a great time screwing up managing her life. and YES, we tried many ways of killing the sims character F.M.G.D, like drowning her in a pool, setting her on fire from the bbq pit, be devoured by flies, and freezing her to death out in the cold winter. in short: driving her to insanity.

i'm gonna go play my SIMS 2 now. :)

i dropped till i shopped,
deon.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

first i must say HAPPY BIRTHDAY SLART PAUL!! may all your wishes come true.

and now my mum believes that i have a friend by the name of S-L-A-R-T, pronounced as LART, with a silent 's'. i bet she was dumb-founded when i told her this 'name' of my friend. HAHA. but the icing was done with: HAPPY BIRTHDAY SLART.

she came back and asked me why my friend had such a weird name. oops.

anyways, x-country was alright. vip was supposed to park at our side, turned out that he figured a way to get to somewhere near the track, parked there and walked all the way there by himself. minor screw-up.

caught up with john, sean, lucy who diligently turned up for x-country. and lucy was uberly sweet cos she did a card personally for paul, and even bought chocolates. (hint paul: beware! *sings nelly furtado's maneater*). we didnt cut the cake, but most importantly we showed paul the icing!

i must say that the comments made by the commentators at x-country was rather amusing and WEIRD.

pault: "Look at how cute those running dogs are! *points."
2 seconds later,
pault: "By dogs i do not mean the students who are running. I am refering to REAL dogs."

how random.

plus there were many other funny and out-of-place comments too. did 5 hours of duty altogether, was totally flustered and exhausted at the end. i totally felt like a babysitter looking after the year 1-4's, stopping them from buying stuff at 7-11, chasing them back to the main area, preventing their escapes, etc.

seriously, the year 3 and 4's give like the most trouble. and most of them have attitude problems. argh, but thank god for the group of prefects i worked with. they took instructions well and were very diligent in their duties (well, most of the time). *claps. :)

bought accessories for my ipod video! i still havent opened the clear plastic wrapping of my ipod video box. haha. i got myself the ipod leather cover, protective film, and the hard-cover and silicon cover that sort of imitates the U2 design. went to borders, got harry potter book 7. and lemony snicket's autobiography.

and SPECIAL THANKS to woan tyng who decided to SPAM my tagboard with a total of 19 posts in one go. seriously i dont think thats a very wise world record to break my dear.

haha. :)

COOKIE!

face it bravely,
deon

Sunday, August 5, 2007

disturbing news: you SHOULDNT know about my blog. GO AWAY.

anyways, sat was rather fun! went out with my family and my cousin's family (from canada) for a yatch ride.

apparently, my dad has intentions to get a yatch, some guy is offering one to him at a reasonable price. and he has already taught of a NAME for it, its named after my mum. how sweet. :)

haha. i'll name my first car after you.

the idea of having a yatch at the family's disposal thrills me, but at the same time, going on yatch rides almost every sunday, and not having enough time to do work scares me too.

but its HOT. imagine making out on the yatch. so BUY BUY BUY! and yes, i'll bring you special people on board, you all know who you are!

ohhh. i also did kayaking with my cousin, and watching my sis and my counsin's sister paddle was hilarious, cos they were both paddling in opposite directions. how retarded.

sunday is my sleep day, so i happen to disrupt the council web message chain, oops.

lame joke of the day:
whats the remedy for sun-burn?
.
..
...
....
.....
go bask in moon-light.

YES, i finished my written commentary!

yay me (quote paul),
deon.

Friday, August 3, 2007

"Show me someone who never gossips, and i'll show you someone who isnt interested in people"

-Barbara Walters.

dont you dare point your finger at me,
deon.

Choir & Guitar FOA WAS A BLAST!

as a council today, we did lots of silly stuff, but it was super fun. we lined up in a row, and started to do the 'miss universe' hand-waving motion at mrs cho, when she was reserving her car to leave after FOA. she wound down the window and said, "thank you, i am so touched!"

that totally cracked the whole council up. and people were staring too. haha. :)

and we found a dead baby lizard in the council room. that place seriously needs some revamping!

got to talk to you today, was really cool. i was surprised that i was so calm throughout all the time. and glad you took the cookie when i offered it to you. :)

come a little closer, will you?

i need more,
deon.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

ok. i am staring blankly into the computer screen trying to recall what happened throughout the day. basically, i'm A BLOGGING ZOMBIE at the moment.

anyways, it was a rather 'appear to be busy, but not actually so' day. BUT, it was terribly LONG, with council meeting ending at 7.30. the crux about today's post isnt about how bitchy i was today, neither is it about the things i did.

it's about the pep talk with liu yi today that made me realised and understand the UGLY truth that i found it hard to swallow. he was asking me about how i found life in acsi so far, and i told him frankly that things have changed since the start of the year.

i've found a closer clique of friends, not going around to know as many people as before ( i swear i know more than half the cohort by face and name), but i would never pass up any chance to get to know someone new. IN FACT, its quite the contrary, cos i end up introducing lucy to people that she doesnt know. haha. sounds like some match-making service.

so liu yi was telling me about how different the school cultures were, considering the fact that i was from hwa chong previously (those who dont know should go shoot yourself). and YES, i do believe that the school cultures are totally different and very drastic indeed. and i found it hard to settle down, even after 8 months of schooling, because i was brought up in another school culture.

the acs culture (to me) places more emphasis on FUN, LAUGHTER, PEACE and JOY. whatever makes the students happy, and they tend to make jokes out of almost everything that they can lay their minds on. sometimes, going to the extent, whereby they fail to understand the seriousness of certain situations and implications, which i feel is not appropriate.

i really do love the school, and i enjoy coming to school because of my friends and teachers (with the exception of RC and TN), and the acs culture is something i really need more time to embrace. i know i am making the effort.

liu yi also told me that some people were shocked that i got into council, cos they thought that i wasnt deserving enough and kinda went up to him to question him about how i got into council. it's sad to know that people doubt you, but at the same time it makes you stronger, because you want to prove to them that you're placed there for a purpose.

i really thank those who supported me throughout the council selection. i really do. i honestly was appaulled by the fact that i got in, but am still thankful for the chance.

so liu yi feedbacked to me that i wasnt very well-received by the ruggers (no surprise), because they thought that i was different and that they just dont like me. i wasnt surprised cos i've noticed the looks they give me all the time.

its painful, but i have to learn to deal with the fact that i cant please everyone, neither can i make everyone like me. in the end i told myself, i have to make these 2 years worthwhile, because i took a really BIG leap of faith to come to acsi, while i could have stayed in my own comfort zone in hcjc and yet the thrill and excitement of having great memories of this school tells me that this change of environment is worth it.

i really want to look back after 2 years, on prom night and find the reason to shed tears because of the memories, the friendships forged, the times spent together and most importantly, that i made the right choice to come to acsi.

i am beautiful, no matter what they say, cos words cant bring me down.

stay strong,
deon.

[Deon.xoxo]

[i.CRY.in.the.rain.because.no.one.can.tell]
[i.LAUGH.like.there's.no.tomorrow]
[i.SCREAM.to.let.everything.bottled-up.out]
[i.RANT.about.my.all-so-wonderful.life]


[i.want.YOU.to.hear.me.CRY.LAUGH.SCREAM.RANT]
[i.want.my.personal.wishing.tree]
[i.want.you.to.LOVE.me]


affizul
alex low
andrew.tay
asyikin
david.lai
edmund cheong
jlc
leon f.
mervyn
orion
paul.chups
sarina
tim.lim
tyng





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